Do. Not. Quit.

In the midst of this time of study, there are days when I would like to quit. Developing theory and training your mind to think about things differently is not for the faint of heart. 

Recently I spent a week at the guest house of an Anglican Franciscan convent for a writing retreat. The food was good, the bed warm, and the environment conducive for writing. I wrote about 6000 words during those 6 days. However, I also wrote a few messages to friends that said: "What in the world am I doing?" "Why am I doing this?"

Why am I doing this?

It is easier to quit. It won't hurt anyone. Why bother?

Let the brainiacs write the theory and study theology. I'll just keep on doing and serving.

Then I stopped and took a look around at my setting. I was in a place where women had committed their life to God and prayer. They prayed together 5 times a day, every day, and then also committed the rest of the time of their day to prayer and doing good works. They grew their own food. They made  items to sell for the upkeep of their house. They did this every day. 

They could have gone the easy route and gone to the store to purchase food. They didn't have to pray 5 times day. Surely it was enough to have only one corporate prayer. They could have said: 

It is easier to quit. It won't hurt anyone. Why bother?

But they don't. I met two ladies who had lived this life for more days than I have been alive. They loved God and because of their love for Him, they committed all of their days to Him. Sure they could have taken an easy route, but they chose to pray. Prayer is hard work. It takes discipline. It takes time. It interrupts the day. It never stops.

But it works.

So why do I bother writing a PhD? Because I believe that somewhere in this God is directing me to Him. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm stretching. 

Sometimes I would like to give up because it just seems too hard. It takes far too much discipline. It takes an enormous amount of time. It interrupts my day. It feels like it will never stop.

But it works.

It is working to form my thinking, stretch my assumptions, and hopefully, somehow, will change a part of the world. And hopefully change it for the good of the Kingdom of God, not just my little world.

Is it easy? No way. 
Will there be more days that I would like to stop? Probably.

But I need to see the bigger picture to realize that this process is probably not for me, but for the next generation. The theories and thoughts that I put on paper will hopefully affect the theories and thoughts of those who follow me. If I can think differently about theology and missiology - to see it as God sees it - maybe, just maybe I can get it right and communicate that to someone else.

So, why am I doing this?

Because I am not going to quit.*

*special thanks to Sister Margaret for her inspiration.

The Community of St. Clare, Oxfordshire, England

Balancing Act & Old Books

During a pastoral theology course in bible college, one of my favorite professors, Dr. David Watson, stood in front of our class and said the following: "The most important lesson you will ever learn in ministry is this: BALANCE." The phrase was always emphasized by Dr. Watson's action of spreading his two hands widely apart and clapping them together with gusto when he came to the word "balance."

As I have matured and experienced ministry and mission, I have recounted this phrase many times and reflected on its accuracy. I found myself replicating this action and repeating the phrase to students I have taught over the years. Balance is indeed key to life and ministry. It is sometimes very difficult to get right, but I have observed that if I can have fresh enough eyes to see where balance is needed, the end result of ministry is typically less self-centered and more God-centered.

As I study the concepts of discipleship and missional formation, this balancing act must remain in focus as well. It is sometimes very easy to become so theoretical about a topic that I miss the practical outworking in front of my eyes. In reading a recent text entitled "Christian Formation," I came across this quote and this balancing act once again comes into focus:

"The social sciences are those sciences in which humans are the subject of study. Most relevant to the Christian educator are those that address human development—the growth and maturing of humans over their lifespan—and learning theories, which are frequently tied to the development of cognition or intellect in humans. The Christian educator is caught between two roads: the theological and the theoretical. The theology road is traveled frequently by theologians and by all those professing Christian faith, while the theory road is congested with those participating in the scientific community—in this instance, those who engage in the social sciences. But must we choose? Is there not a new path—a third way—to travel through the woods?"  

(In "Christian Formation: Integrating Theology and Human Development" by Estep, James R.; Kim, Jonathan H, (2010).)

This is a nice balance of theology and theory that I am now undertaking as I research and write in this degree program. In order to develop a theory of ministerial & missiological training, however, a sound theological knowledge is necessary and will lay a foundation for good practice. No theology, and the theory becomes my own: self-centered. Apply theology to the social sciences, however, allows for theoretical development which is God-centered. The "travel through the woods" begins to take shape as  I find the specific path that God is directing the research. If he is not in it, its a waste of my time and His! But if he is in the research (and I believe Him to be), then I trust that there will be a practical outworking of the theory developed in the process.

Thanks for your prayers as I travel the path.

And about old books - here's the latest acquisition into my library: "The Defenders of the Faith; or, the Christian Apologists of the Second and Third Centuries" by The Rev. F. Watson. This particular edition was published in London in 1893. I just thought it was cool to have a 120 year old book in my library!

I also found an original pamphlet written by T.B. Barratt, credited for introducing Pentecostalism in Europe. The pamphlet was written in 1909. No picture because I gave it back to the college to be kept in the Donald Gee Archives of Assemblies of God-Great Britain historical documents.

You don't know what you don't know

At Mattersey Hall, our principal teaches a "mock" course to potential students coming to visit the college during a preview weekend. The course is "What you didn't know you didn't know." Although I haven't attended the course, the title always makes me chuckle.

As I travel this PhD program journey, I realize that there is so much that I do not know. And so many things that I didn't know that I didn't know, but I really need to know.

I sat in a class this morning with vocabulary, suggestions, measurement devices, and other concepts being thrown around the world with such speed and veracity, I thought I was in the middle of a racquetball game. Only problem...I forgot my racket.

I didn't know I needed to know some of those things!

However, this is the process of learning. Examining areas where previous knowledge does not exists.

Learning - noun:

the acquisition of knowledge or skills through experience, practice, or study, or by being taught

So, this is where I am. Muddling through all of the things that I did not know I needed to know to think theoretically. My glossary is growing. My brain is active. My knowledge is building.

Now, I will never gain all the knowledge in the world or even in my particular area of research, however, at this stage I am investigating the areas I do not know. My platform of knowledge will increase, and will be filtered through my perspective and context. Eventually a foundational knowledge will be expanded and then built upon. Hopefully, this will continue to increase over the years, as learning & knowledge do simply with time and maturity, but will focus in upon the areas of study that will lead to a clear practical outworking of the research I am conducting. I look forward to this moment.

But for now, I don't know what I don't know... so... back to the library!

Have a great day, friends. Happy studying.