Do. Not. Quit.

In the midst of this time of study, there are days when I would like to quit. Developing theory and training your mind to think about things differently is not for the faint of heart. 

Recently I spent a week at the guest house of an Anglican Franciscan convent for a writing retreat. The food was good, the bed warm, and the environment conducive for writing. I wrote about 6000 words during those 6 days. However, I also wrote a few messages to friends that said: "What in the world am I doing?" "Why am I doing this?"

Why am I doing this?

It is easier to quit. It won't hurt anyone. Why bother?

Let the brainiacs write the theory and study theology. I'll just keep on doing and serving.

Then I stopped and took a look around at my setting. I was in a place where women had committed their life to God and prayer. They prayed together 5 times a day, every day, and then also committed the rest of the time of their day to prayer and doing good works. They grew their own food. They made  items to sell for the upkeep of their house. They did this every day. 

They could have gone the easy route and gone to the store to purchase food. They didn't have to pray 5 times day. Surely it was enough to have only one corporate prayer. They could have said: 

It is easier to quit. It won't hurt anyone. Why bother?

But they don't. I met two ladies who had lived this life for more days than I have been alive. They loved God and because of their love for Him, they committed all of their days to Him. Sure they could have taken an easy route, but they chose to pray. Prayer is hard work. It takes discipline. It takes time. It interrupts the day. It never stops.

But it works.

So why do I bother writing a PhD? Because I believe that somewhere in this God is directing me to Him. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm stretching. 

Sometimes I would like to give up because it just seems too hard. It takes far too much discipline. It takes an enormous amount of time. It interrupts my day. It feels like it will never stop.

But it works.

It is working to form my thinking, stretch my assumptions, and hopefully, somehow, will change a part of the world. And hopefully change it for the good of the Kingdom of God, not just my little world.

Is it easy? No way. 
Will there be more days that I would like to stop? Probably.

But I need to see the bigger picture to realize that this process is probably not for me, but for the next generation. The theories and thoughts that I put on paper will hopefully affect the theories and thoughts of those who follow me. If I can think differently about theology and missiology - to see it as God sees it - maybe, just maybe I can get it right and communicate that to someone else.

So, why am I doing this?

Because I am not going to quit.*

*special thanks to Sister Margaret for her inspiration.

The Community of St. Clare, Oxfordshire, England